So something I don’t talk about a lot is eating disorders. But it’s something that has affected me for years.
What brought this on? I went out recently for a meal, as someone with ME/CFS it isn’t something I do often but it was my fiancés birthday and his parents were taking the family out for a meal (which we were all extremely grateful for). But, as I sat there looking at the menu, I realised I had a problem. Something that I don’t talk about is that I’ve had an undiagnosed eating disorder since I was about 18 (I turned 25 in June). If it were to be diagnosed, it would be under bulimic-anorexia. I used to binge eat emotions until I felt nauseous when I was younger but then as I gained the weight after a few years I stopped eating and over-exercised. I thought that I was doing better, I eat carbs when I want and I eat fairly healthy whilst still enjoying my food and don’t really think about it anymore.
That was until I went for the meal yesterday. The law now requires restaurants etc to put the calories on the food. As I looked at that menu, I couldn’t see the food, all I could see were the calories. I had gone wanting a starter, a main and a desert knowing exactly what I wanted (I’m vegan, we generally do this). But what the online menu hadn’t had as obvious were the calories for each portion. All I could think about were the calories and carbs and sugars in each serving, I couldn’t enjoy my meal. I skipped the starter and desert (which by the way, the starter I wanted was just some mushrooms, but I couldn’t convince myself because of the calories together with the main). I even had to explain to my fiancé and explain that the salad I wanted, I wanted but the calories were high and I was struggling because the lower calorie option had rice/carbs. So I felt like I was in a catch 22. I eventually managed to order the salad that I wanted, but I still couldn’t bring myself to order a desert no matter how much my fiancé tried to reassure me.
Then, after the meal I wanted some photos. I had never had photos with my stick before and I thought it might empower me as I had begun to feel confident with it. We also went out today to buy fish and I made the same request. But I did something I’ve never done before, I was aware of the weight I had put on and thought that I had learnt to love my body. But as my fiancé sent me those picture tonight, I did something I can’t ever remember doing. I cried. I took one look at the photos and cried, because I couldn’t see me, I saw an ugly, overweight disabled woman. I’ve never thought I was particularly pretty, but I never thought of myself as ugly, despite bullying in school. I still don’t know why I cried or still am crying. I can’t remember the last time I truly hated a photo of myself, but these I do. I’ve never felt such revolution aimed at myself until today.
I thought I had recovered, but as I sat and ate my usual 1/2 small pizza for dinner, I knew that I won’t be able to eat out the house again for a while & now I know I won’t be taking any photos anytime soon. All because someone decided to put calories on a menu, I can feel a serious relapse coming on & I hate it because I thought I had moved on.