I want you to imagine, that you have been awake for the last 5 days straight. No naps, nothing.
Now I want you to imagine that you’ve drank gallons of coffee and energy drinks in this time. That you are now feeling the crash from both of these things.
Now, I want you to imagine you’ve ran a marathon on top of this. Your entire body aches and is stiff. Your arms feel like led, every movement feels like there are weights attached to you. Every thing you pick up feels 100x heavier than it did the other day.
I want you to imagine trying to exercise and continue on this way. Because you’ve got to, right? I want you to imagine trying to go up the stairs or going for a short walk like this. Like every step you take, your leg seems to be adding a weight each time. That your lungs react as if you’re climbing Mount Everest, not the stairs to your bedroom.
I want you to imagine that every nerve in your body is trapped. Including those in your chest. That despite the shooting pain across your chest, there is no point going to A&E because they won’t believe you. They can’t help. That is if you don’t catch COVID. Which will kill you.
Let’s imagine, that brushing your hair feels like throwing a weight across a room. Meanwhile, the sensation of your head is the human version of nails on a chalk board. That instead of bristles, it feels like you’re dragging nails across your scalp.
I want you to imagine you’ve pulled a muscle and it spasms multiple times. The pain that causes, could happen at any moment without reason. Your legs could cramp at any second without warning. Only to be just as painful, if not more.
Could you imagine what it feels like to bang your head against a wall, giving you constant migraines and headaches? To which no amount of pain killers can fix? Can you imagine trying to retain information or staying up right whilst feeling dizzy? Can you imagine how every single light would seem? How loud every noise would feel?
Can you imagine that your head is filled with smoke. That there are memories fading that you know you used to have but don’t anymore. I want you to imagine that every thing anyone ever says to you or you say to them, you can’t remember. I want you to imagine that memories you once held dear, aren’t there anymore and no one can tell you why. I want you to imagine that it’s that bad that some days you forget your own name or date of birth.
I want you to imagine that you’ve got the worst stomach ache you’ve ever had, combined with the nausea of the worst food poisoning you’ve ever had. You never throw up, but you could at any moment. You don’t know if the nausea is from something you ate, your head or your pain.
I want you to imagine that your entire body is trembling like you have hyperthermia. Your teeth chatter, your jaw clenches, your entire body shakes. There is nothing you can do to stop this. All you want to do is sleep.
I want you to imagine, all of this happening at once.
I want you to imagine that this could happen at any moment, without any reason at all. I want you to imagine, that you can progress and feel worse as the hours go on in the day. Or you could feel awful in the morning and better in the afternoon. Or you could feel like this for 6 months straight. Without any reason or warning.
I want you to imagine trying to sleep now, you’ve been awake 5 days in a row. You must be exhausted right? But your body wakes you up every 3 hours, that is if the pain or dizziness let’s you fall asleep. Every time you wake up you feel worse, your body trembles harder, your head pounds louder, your cramps get more painful, your chest feels tighter, your dizziness and nausea only increase with every second you are awake.
Now I want you to imagine trying to get up, to shower, to brush your teeth, to do your laundry, to do your job.
I want you to imagine having all this, every single second of the day. For a doctor, to look in your eyes and tell you: it’s all on your head.
I want you to imagine those closest to you, telling you that you don’t look sick. That you seem fine, there’s nothing wrong with you.
That it’s all in your head.
I want you to imagine trying to continue your life this way, continuing to look after others and your family, going to work and doing the housework.
Because you don’t look sick.
I want you to imagine the relief after fighting FOR YEARS to be heard by a doctor or a medical professional. Only to be told there is nothing that they can do. There is no help, only ‘treatment’ which is to give you medication to reduce your sensitivity to pain (not treat it). That there’s nothing that they can do for the fatigue, except give you sleeping pills to sleep at night. That they can’t help you see your friends, the ones that remain or even believe you.
Because you don’t look sick.
That there’s nothing other than to ‘pace’ yourself and to ‘exercise’ which only increase both the pain and fatigue. I want you to imagine them suggesting therapy and meditation and antidepressants. I want you to imagine being told you’re on your own.
Because you don’t look sick.
I want you to imagine that you feel this way every time you leave the house, but no one stands up for you on the train or the bus.
Because you don’t look sick.
I want you to imagine finally getting a seat in the disabled section, only to be told you aren’t disabled or that your attention seeking.
Because you don’t look sick.
I want you to imagine everyone making assumptions on what you’re capable of doing.
Because you don’t look sick.
I want you to imagine that you even deny yourself aids because you’ve been told you aren’t sick enough.
Because you don’t look sick.
I want you to imagine friends and family falling out with you because you cancel plans often or aren’t able to see them.
Because you don’t look sick.
Then you might get a glimpse into the life of a chronically ill person.