Social media is often something I talk about as a positive. It allows me to connect with other chronic illness warriors, find community, support others and more. However, the past few weeks my mental health has taken a plummet.
I believe it has stemmed from my condition progressing, I have been unable to do things I enjoy or leave the house properly for months. I am used to this happening in winter (and if I am honest, I don't mind it then because the cold is painful and I am happy with a hot chocolate watching a film or listening to a book in bed). Nevertheless, the summer months are my better months, the cold isn't there to drain me or cause me pain.
So, as my mental health dipped and more and more vile articles appeared after the release of JKR's book, I couldn't take it anymore. I let the key people know and reduced my activity to talk to close friends once or twice a day. It's been weeks and that wasn't enough. So, last night, I decided to come off it. I haven't missed it but I'm not sure it has helped either. Perhaps I need to give it longer, but I'm at the point where I feel like I need to disappear into a hut in the middle of nowhere with my cat. Let me state that the chronic illness and disabled community has kept me sane throughout my diagnostic process and the decline in my health.
I have multiple support groups (both in person and online) and they have honestly kept me together at times. To be away from it was never something I thought I would do. The truth is I feel overwhelmed, financially, emotionally, mentally, physically. I feel like I have multiple jobs. There is the job of looking after my home, my fiancé, myself and my cat. There is the job I have as an apprentice. There is my actual job as a tutor. There is the job that is managing my chronic illness with multiple appointments a week and multiple calls to chase referrals a week. Then there is the job of supporting people in the community, making sure that people have food and a roof over their head. Making sure that people who are struggling emotionally and mentally are supported and seek help. There is ensuring that people have what they need if they are recovering. All of these things, I love. They are things I enjoy, and would never want to stop doing. However, I don't have a choice, my brain is overloaded and therefore I feel overwhelmed. The amount of data my brain processes, whether it is in my job, learning, watching TV, playing a game, ensuring mutual aid requests are legitimate and you share everyone's equally, talking to or messaging friends, any reading or writing I do. It's all information and it's all processing and energy consuming.
One day, I will be one of those happy blogs which posts about what I do to help my mental health, because there are lots of things. But there is plenty of advice for mental well-being out there, and not enough chronic illness stories. Not enough stories that bare the truth of the level of neglect that chronic illness and disabled people receive. My fiancé was joking about how he could loose his hand at work and have a robotic arm replaced on the NHS. But I can't get a wheelchair to ensure that I can leave the house and keep working. That's the reality, it's not pretty yellow sunflowers or rainbows or flags. It is that we are not valued as human beings, we are seen as less. Because if we can work, we often end up being off sick for long periods. Or we can't work and therefore "aren't contributing to society". Or that our immune systems aren't as well equipped and therefore "we should just stay at home". So I did, my poor fiancé is out watching the comedian I bought the tickets for, for us both, for his birthday well over a year ago, and I am at home: but that doesn't mean I'm safe, him or his brother could still pass it to me.
My reality is, I don't get a break from people and noise, the cars go past my house at all hours, there are always people around outside particularly nextdoor at the pub and I haven't been able to walk in nature since January (and even then it was a mistake to do). I miss seeing the greenery, I miss the silence, I miss nature. I've recently been more passionate about bringing nature to me, trying to get plants when I can. We now have some vegetable planters (but without the soil). I have multiple herbs on the windowsill in the kitchen, but I don't have the money to keep buying plants and I don't know enough to know what plants would be good for winter.
I guess part of me misses the long treks I used to go up in Lyme park, or Macclesfield Forrest. I was constantly surrounded by nature and greenery when I was little, so to be away from it or not being able to go to it is hard, both mentally and emotionally. I always felt at piece in nature, like I could take on the world and that the world would support me.
I am meant to have gone to the Joe lycett show tonight, but I haven't been able to go because my cardiologist hasn't responded to the several calls myself and my GP have made about my booster. I am also aware that no one will be masking so I didn't feel safe.
I don't really know what I was trying to say with this post, it was more of a vent if anything. I managed to walk to the fish section of the garden centre today but that was it, I couldn't walk around the whole thing and see the plants or pots or birdbaths. I really want a birdbath. I miss just being able to go places and walk around. I could do these things with a wheelchair but I can't afford one. If you've made it this far, I hope you have everything you need in life to live it fully. Never take your health for granted. Every step that you take is a blessing. Every trip to the shops is a day out. Never take the breath in your lungs for granted, because someone might be wishing that they're you. Stay safe, stay happy, you are loved.💜
If you ever want to support me I have some Amazon Wishlists!
This Wishlist is for necessities and to help support me in everyday living: https://www.amazon.co.uk/hz/wishlist/dl/invite/5A39Pih?ref_=wl_share
This is the Wishlist if you have some spare money & would like to buy me something nice: https://www.amazon.co.uk/hz/wishlist/dl/invite/1ufviMd?ref_=wl_share
this Wishlist has lots of DVD's one which I will ALWAYS appreciate! As having something new to watch is always great! Thank you if you decide to check these out; however I am grateful for every read!
If you enjoyed this don't forget to share!
Stay safe, stay happy, you are loved!💜